Quotable

 

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.

  - Dick Cavett

Man Trap: The rose plant

We (humans of the male and rose buying persuasion) see the planted rose bush and think wow, best of both worlds. It’s roses (which we think girls like) and it’s a plant so she’ll have it forever and ever.

What men don’t understand:

The reason women appreciate flowers, is because next to a diamond; cut flowers are the most impractical gift one can possibly purchase. Impractical = romantic. Stick to perishable bouquets men.

Sometimes you have to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror.

I’ve had to throw out the last two bottles of wine that I opened for personal weekday consumption.  I don’t know how many days of freshness one can reasonably expect from a refrigerated bottle of Sauvignon Blanc; but I do know that I’ve exceeded that window twice consecutively. 

I haven’t decided what the message is here.  Either, ‘no wine on weekdays’, or ‘let no bottle go re-corked’.  In other words; drink it all, or don’t drink at all.   Yeah, not so sure that’s good advice. 

For shame Rick, for shame.

DoucheBag O’ the Day (DBOD)

Rock & Republic Jeans - $289.00

dress shoes, inappropriate for the gym - $140

several gold chains (to match the cursive R on your butt) - $300

gold watch and matching bracelet - $500

tucked-in wife beater - extra tight - $6

being named DBOD - priceless!

This picture doesn’t encapsulate the vast extent of this guy’s douchiness. I really wanted to take another photo, but he spotted me snapping this one.

Tavern Law

Speakeasy style bar - there's a secret door!

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Substitute Zen

After an hour and a half of weights and cardio, I went to my (new) usual Monday night Yoga class. There was a different instructor today; which meant Instead of normal relaxing yoga day, it was sweaty-mess Vinyasa Flow day.

Perched in Downward Dog I was watching the sweat profusely drip from my forehead, when I noticed a small orange spider diligently scampering across my blue mat. Without hesitation, or loss of balance (surprised?), I reached down killed the spider, and swept it off my mat. As I returned my hand to its sweaty mat position, I realized this was probably not ‘what Buddha would do’. That's WWBD if you’ve seen the bracelets - the Hindu version comes in a four pack. Hope I don’t come back as a little orange spider.

Just heard this version on Eastbound and Down

Ari Up (their singer)–died this month

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Slits

I’m never drinking (coffee) again

So I came home around 9:30 after meeting a friend for dinner, and made myself a blended coffee drink; before heading out to see a local band play. The construction of this coffee concoction was as per Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer’s suggestion:

“Trader Joe’s Lactose Free Coffee Creamers come in three flavors: Original, Vanilla and Hazelnut… Delicious in hot or cold coffee, you’re limited only by your imagination – we like mixing Hazelnut and Vanilla in a blender with coffee and ice… instant frappe!”

The coffee was okay to drink, but incredibly effective at administering its caffeine to my central nervous system. How do I know this? Well I’m writing this at 5:45 in the morning, with absolutely no prospect of sleep in my future. I’ve never tried Meth, but I’m pretty sure this is what it feels like. After lying sleepless in bed for the last five hours, I declared uncle on a good night’s sleep and got up. Thank you Trader Joe’s.

Top 10 things you can do with self-inflicted insomnia:

1. start a fight club
2. write in your self serving blog
3. a second job at Denny’s making Oreo Milkshakes for tweakers
4. commit the repeating carousel of SportsCenter to rote memory
   
5. 
   invent a new way to blow-it-up when giving someone ‘the rock’
6. watch infomercials for Zumba fitness videos (watch for the guy in the back in the blue tank top – he’s completely lost)
7. reflect on why I was contacted yesterday by two different people who I hadn’t spoke to in over 10 years (might write about this one)
8. in 15 minutes start watching pre-game NFL show (jeeze)
9. learn how to make coq au vin – thank you Danny Boome I think I’ll give it a try
10. Stare bitterly at the ceiling
    

Ready or not… life goes on

Got an email today that said:

65 Days until Christmas

34 days until Thanksgiving  

 

Really?  Two months away – already?!  No matter how busy my summer is, and it was booked this year, I’m still left with a tinge of regret around this time.  What else could I have done to take advantage of the fleeting sunlit days, and the warm summer evenings?  Tasted more wine (probably not), gone to the beach more often (I never even took the tags off my new yellow swim trunks), logged more miles on my bike, camping, hikes, drank blended adult beverages,..

At least winter means snow in the mountains.  That part I love.

 

The British are coming

Everyone’s worried about American factory jobs going overseas; but no one ever mentions the poor actors from Hollywood.

British actors playing Americans (with American accents):

Hugh Laurie

House

Gary Oldman

Batman, The Book of Eli

Christian Bale

Batman, Terminator, American Psycho…

Alice Eve

She's Out of My League

(not literally - though probably)

Isla Fisher

Confessions of a Shopaholic, Definitely, Maybe, Wedding Crashers

Simon Baker (Australian)

The Mentalist

Helena Bonham Carter

Fight Club, any movie that Tim Burton directs.

Lena Headey

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Kevin McKidd

Grey’s Anatomy

Do we hire our Civil Engineers from UW?

These signs are about as practical to traffic control, as the Light Rail and the S.L.U. Trolley.

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Movie quote

"Things don't have to be extraordinary to be beautiful, even the ordinary can be beautiful."
- Matthew in Wicker Park

btw, the final scene in Wicker Park is a perfect example of merry-go-sorry (see below).

merry-go-sorry

Definition: a tale that evokes joy and sadness simultaneously, a story with good and bad news

 

- also see: life.

 

 

Sunday quote

“I can’t die; I haven’t figured anything out yet.”

- Ted Danson in “Bored to Death”

Living vicariously is not really living

We all do it: read about adventures we’d like to have, watch programs on exotic places we’d like to go, buy gossip magazines about celebrities we’d like to be, or play video games of characters we wish we were.  Okay I don’t buy the gossip rags, but a LOT of people do. 

What is it that actually holds us back from the things we really want?  Apathy, time, money, obligations, self doubt, fear?  If you’ve always wanted to learn the Samba, then take a dance class.  If your goal is to be a cage fighter, then buy some Affliction shirts and find a dojo.  If your lifelong dream is to visit the Pantheon, then get your ass to Rome (give up lattes, shop sales, chaperone an Italian class…).  As Tim Robbins said in Shawshank, “It simply comes down to this, Get Busy Living, or Get Busy Dying.” 

Which leads me to my newest quote:

“Living vicariously is not really living.”

I love pizza like a fat kid loves cake – or pizza.

So this is an amalgamation of about seven recipes I’ve tried and combined. Lots of trial and error (no bad pizza right?) – but this recipe works great and it’s really easy.

For perfect pizza dough at home (you don’t have to have a mixer, but it’s better):

1 package active dry or fresh yeast (2.25 teaspoons if it’s in a bottle)

1 heaping teaspoon honey

1 cup warm water, 105 to 115 degrees F

3 cups better for bread flour (bread machine flour if you can find it) – if you’re not using a mixer use all-purpose flour.

1 teaspoon kosher salt

3 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, plus additional for brushing

[ handsome pizza – no? ]

In a small cup, dissolve the yeast and honey in 1/4 cup warm water (baby milk warm).

In the mixer bowl, combine the flour and the salt. Add the oil, the yeast mixture, and the remaining 3/4 cup of water.

Use the mixer paddle to combine the ingredients until they come together and start to form a ball – a minute(ish)

Affix the hook attachment (spray it with non-stick first). Knead on medium speed for 15-20 minutes. You can tell the dough is ready when it stretches until nearly transparent. If you don’t have a mixer -fold the dough into itself for about five minutes.

Fold the dough under itself until it’s taught and smooth on top. Place dough in a large bowl or just keep it in the mixer bowl (spray it with non-stick first). Cover with a towel and leave it alone for two hours (let it rise).

After two hours beat the dough down and cut into two equal segments. Cover those with a towel and leave alone for another hour.

Place your oven rack on its lowest slot (if you have a pizza stone put it there), preheat your oven to its highest setting (500 – 550). Roll the segment into a ball, and place on a pizza pan or cookie sheet (greased or sprayed with non-stick). Stretch the dough to the edges, rotating slightly as you pull (stretch as thin as you possibly can).

Brush the crust with extra virgin olive oil, especially the edges. Spread pizza sauce very thin (use less than you think), and cover with your favorite toppings.

Bake for about 8 minutes (at 550). Crust should be slightly charred on the bottom. Let cool before slicing. Provecho!

lovely evening it was

I pedaled to the gym tonight, and then took my very sweet time whilst riding home.  Had an impromptu glass of vino on an Eastlake patio (yes I was a sweaty mess), and then ran errands while meandering homeward.  It would have been a colossal waste to not squeeze every fleeting moment out of this warm and beautiful night.

1st Salsa class tonight

 

Was his sexuality ever really in doubt?

Copernicus Syndrome

I recently informed a friend that I hadn’t seen her cousin at the gym in several weeks, and (jokingly) asked if she might be avoiding me.  Being the bratty, yet extremely perspicacious individual that she is - she responded by quoting one of my previous posts.  Something to the effect of, “she has her own things going on, not everything is about you Rick.”

http://rickinthecity.blogspot.com/2010/07/bachelorette-why-this-show-is-evil.html  (for your re-reading enjoyment)

Three things went through my head almost immediately:
1. Wow that was kinda mean – I was just making small talk, 
2. It’s friggin awesome to be quoted, (offensively flattered?), and
3. In a broader sense, she makes a very good point.  Nothing actually happens within a vacuum; there are always several outside factors contributing to any situation.

Anyway, I actually saw her cousin at the gym today; which got me thinking about this affliction that we all seem to suffer from (albeit to varying degrees).  I’m going to call it Copernicus Syndrome (though it could more aptly be titled pre-Copernicus Syndrome).  Basically, Copernicus was the first scientist to postulate that the Earth was not at the center of the Universe.

“The most important aspect of Copernicus' work is that it forever changed the place of man in the cosmos; no longer could man legitimately think his significance greater than his fellow creatures; with Copernicus' work, man could now take his place among that which exists all about him, and not of necessity take that premier position which had been assigned immodestly to him by the theologians.” [Landry]

If you are unable to understand how this correlates to human behavior; you are either completely selfless, or completely loathsome. 

At this point, astute readers may be thinking, “douche bag, anyone that is self-important enough to have his own Blog, has no business calling out others for thinking they’re more important than they actually are.”  In reality, the complete opposite is true.  I started this Blog because I’m not narcissistic enough to believe that people want to be force fed my musings on Facebook or Twitter. 

My Words of Wisdom

Mind your P’s and Q’s

What others think of me is none of by business.  Striving to live by this mantra (and it’s not easy), will make your life significantly more happy.

Just live your life…

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby

Takeaway – try to remember that something said to you, done to you, not said to you, or not done to you, may have very little to actually do with you.

Fast forward to 2:17 (save yourself)

Why is this funny???  Someone older says Facebook or Twitter, and it replaces good joke writing?  And ENOUGH with Betty White.

Did summer really fall?

I exited the parking garage and cautiously crossed the sidewalk; emerging myself and my car to the open evening sky. Immediately I was flooded with sweeping and unexpected emotion. I don’t know what to call this particular emotion, but it lies somewhere between nausea, discouragement, and nostalgic sadness.

The evening sky was a field of dark lilacs – the color of dusk. Further darkening this celestial field and bolstering the ominous feel, were ghostly rain clouds; dark, spooky and beautiful.

It isn’t supposed to be dark when I leave the gym. Can summer really be over? Shouldn’t I have some say in this?

It was the best of times… suppose I was having too much fun to notice.

Cuz I have nothing of my own to contribute

Have you ever observed that we pay much more attention to a wise passage when it is quoted than when we read it in the original author?
 

- Philip G. Hamerton

 

~ I know I do…

For those of you not attending on Saturday

Below is the speech (at least the first draft) I will be giving on Saturday for Scott and Bea’s nuptials.  It is about one third the length of the one I gave for my brother’s wedding – but I’ll be the only speaking. 

If you’re going to be there, please don’t read this.

Ladies and Gentlemen... It's an honor for me to be here... to celebrate this very special day for Scott and Bea. Dale Carnegie once said: "Don't ask a man what is important to him. (just) Watch how he spends his time." Now we’ve all seen how Scott spends his time, and it should be blatantly obvious what’s important to him. Bea you have made Scott a very happy man.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Rick and I met Scott the summer before his freshman year in college. We became instant friends, fraternity brothers, and well known for wearing REALLY tight shirts to the parties.

Many times during the tenure of our friendship, it has been mistakenly assumed that Scott was either my brother… or my man lover. Though not true; I always assumed that Scott was immensely flattered by either scenario.

Scott has been known to jump into relationships somewhat head-first, but this time, with Bea – it was more like a full-body belly flop.

When Scott sheepishly told me how much he liked her after their first date; I had an inkling that something was a little different with this one.

When their first 5 dates took place over the first 6 days of their courtship; I had a pretty good idea that something was a little different with this one.

When Scott told me he was looking into learning Hungarian; I was pretty sure that something was a little different with this one. Before Bea came into the picture, the only foreign language Scott ever considered learning was C++

BUT, when I saw a Golden Retriever in the back of Scott’s beloved jeep; I absolutely knew that something was different.

To paraphrase a quote from one of my favorite movies:

There will always be ups and downs - you're not perfect, and neither is she. All that really matters is whether or not you're perfect for each other.

And that’s why we’re here today. Scott and Bea, I am so delighted that you have both found you’re perfect other. May we raise our glasses and give cheers to the happy couple.

Egészségedre

 

Words of wisdom from the great 21st Century philosopher – Snooki

"Guys are douchebags and I hate them all. They don't know how to deal with women, and I feel that's why the lesbian rate is going up in this country."

I like this one

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.
  - Vic Gold

 

 

- aka, stop whining

Over/Under - bicycle edition

Overrated: Single speed bicycles (and they’re everywhere now)

One of the most liberating feelings in the world is hitting a flat or slightly downward sloped straight, shifting into your highest gear and gliding across the smoothly paved black.

Overrated: recumbent bicycles

If your chode hurts get some padded shorts - you look like a friggin tool.

Can we agree that these just need to go away forever?

Underrated: Hybrid bicycles

My bike: Cannondale Bad Boy

Because I almost exclusively ride through or around the city, I find this style of bike incredibly practical. Yes, occasionally some spandexed-out diehard on an all carbon Bianchi flies by me like I stopped to get ice cream; but for the most part I can keep up with the road bikers. On the plus: the sturdy frame and slightly wider tires make jumping curbs and crossing rail tracks much more manageable, and the upright position is so much better for navigating around cars, pedestrians, and homeless people.

My Beach Day – Golden Gardens

 

That’s my foot.

Side note: reading a Tolstoy book will apparently encourage multiple people to come up and talk to you.  Unfortunately I’ve read a total of 60 pages of anything that Tolstoy has ever written; and was unable to hold an even remotely intelligent conversation regarding said subject.  In high school I took the English class for non-college goers - with all the other stupids – so I was never forced to read War and Peace.

My new segment

Now that the Bachelorette has crescendoed, I’ve decided to begin a new segment - which I will almost certainly grow bored of and abandon.  But for the time being, I’m calling it… The Bachelor.  Just kidding, 

I’m calling it. Overrated / Underrated.  So I will start my new segment with comparative films, but may try to incorporate other aspects of life where I feel that I am smarter than the masses.

Overrated: Forest Gump
This movie was ridiculous.  It was like watching a three hour music video of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  This movie was successful for the same reason we enjoy reading those ‘Children of the 80’s’ emails that circulate from time-to-time.  “Oh yeah, I did watch Hanna Barbara cartoons every Saturday, oh yeah, I did collect Garbage Pail Kids trading cards…”  This movie milked Baby Boomers for two generations of nostalgia under the guise of perseverance, which no one dared question because the vessel was a high-functioning retard.  Unlike “Slumdog Millionaire” which used happenstance to make a near perfect film; the events in Forest Gump were contrived and unbelievable.  Let’s break it down:  He was smart enough to join the military (at least an IQ of 76, though the doctor in the beginning estimates his IQ at 75), he’s smart enough to take care of his fortune and captain a shrimp boat, but he’s not intelligent enough to know which direction to run on a football field?  Is this not offensive?  I never saw “Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver”, but I gather the dog knew which way to run with the ball.  And how in the hell was he 30% faster than any other player on a National Championship football team?  Because he liked to run – really?

 

 

 

Underrated: When Harry Met Sally
Another film of happenstance which covers several decades, but this one was not forced or contrived.  The actors were incredibly likeable, and the writing was excellent.  The story was funny, charming, and romantic with a big touch of realness.  A chic flick – not really.  The underlying theme was “men and women can not be friends” (just friends), and the movie does its best to support that claim throughout.

What I’m reading

This satirical and tongue-in-cheek explanation of ethnicities is poignant, funny and mildly offensive.

Here’s an excerpt (talking about shortcomings of the American Indian):
”This lackluster record of achievement extends to other arenas as well. They hunted buffalo for centuries, but failed to kill them all.  It only took European settlers fifty years to take care of that.”

I’d be offended if I wasn’t so simple

 

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
  - Fran Lebowitz

Aruba, Jamaica, Frank’s a bit of a wanker

So. Did she actually have sex with both guys (would have been all three if Frank hadn’t excused himself)? I’m never one to judge someone’s amatory proclivities (nor am I in any position to), but the back-to-back thing seemed a little – icky.  If I was Roberto watching this episode at home tonight, I’d be thinking “thank God I had the first date.” 

Roberto was a sweaty yeti (pits,face, back, chest) his entire time in Tahiti.  This is exactly what I would have looked like if I were in his place.  He actually managed to keep his cool and look fairly smooth as he dripped like a BP oil leak – I think we can all agree that I would not do as well.  Their date seamed to go only so-so.  Though I guess it ended… happy? 

It’s really no surprise that the happy couples who leave the bachelor or bachelorette almost never make it in the “real world” (no finalist of a primetime reality show ever actually returns to the real real world).  Try to compare a weekend of sleeping on a pull-out couch at the in-laws with a torch lit private dinner on your very own island.  It’s a little like feeding your dog tenderloin everyday for two years; and then expecting it to suddenly be happy only eating dry dog food from Walmart.

I can’t tell if Chris is a simpleton or just nervous in front of the cameras; but he repeatedly utilizes the same monosyllabic adjectives (wow, cool, great, nice…).  Despite his fleeting vocabulary, I think Chris is a pretty cool guy and kind of a natural with girls.  The little interaction when he cut-off Ali and told her jokingly, “hey I’m reading this” was pretty smooth.  It was playful, dominant (in a fun way), and created anticipation for the moment.

I still think it was Frank’s contest to lose.  And, I think he was  foolish and cowardly for the decision he made.  Kind of an important lesson there: no matter how strong your connection with someone may be; it can be inexplicably trumped by someone’s history.  I believe this comes down to four reasons:
1. revisionist’s history. We tend to remember and obsess on the good moments and trivialize the bad ones.
2. investment. Time, emotional, financial (vacations, etc…), but mostly time.  Sometimes it’s hard to accept that we wasted so many months or years of our lives.
3. safety.  Going backwards is often the safest (seemingly) play.
4. comfort in the familiar. Throughout a relationship you build mutual friends, develop daily routines, have favorite restaurants and locales…  It can be scary to start all of this over with someone new.

Word of the day

Philogyny – a love of, or liking for women (opposite of misogyny)

Funny that most of us know what misogyny means, but even my spell checker doesn’t recognize the word philogyny. I’m just saying…

Good advice?

 

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
 

- Tallulah Bankhead

Bachelorette – The why this show is evil episode

One thing (several would argue the only thing) I was always good at was meeting the parents. Although dad’s should and occasionally do hate boys that are dating their daughters; I actually think the mother protective of son would be a lot scarier. So what Ali has to do four times this week is pretty brutal.

Side note: What the hell is the deal with Chris Harrison’s Liberace watch? Is he trying to become the next rap music mogul? Did he just rob 50 Cent at gun point?

The Families

Roberto:

I thought it was a little Al Bundy-like to show off his college glory days, though it did seem to go pretty well (she is such a great sport). Roberto’s father was pretty intense, but I think his interrogation actually may have helped Roberto’s cause. Forcing Ali to qualify herself creates a feeling of investment.

Chris:

I think Chris’s dad may have hurt his cause. I really got the overselling vibe from their conversation. Anytime someone tries too hard to sell you something, it makes you wonder what’s actually wrong with it.

Kirk:

I would have to REALLY like a girl for me to not be totally freaked out by her dad being a taxidermist. Despite his profession, half alive step mother, and porn star mustache, he seemed like a pretty good guy. His real mom kind of gave me the heevy jeevies though.

Frank:

It’s a weird situation with Frank, because the checkout-stand periodicals prematurely broke the story of his ‘big reveal.’ This forced ABC to show teases of the impending confront several weeks ahead of their intended schedule.

His moodiness and fear-of-loss mentality is seriously getting old – I think even for Ali. I (somewhat recently) dated someone who overanalyzed EVERYTHING, and it definitely paralyzed any progress the relationship could have possibly had.

Not everything is about you people.

If it’s not Frank who goes home willingly, I think Chris is the next to fall.

… and now for baby moose

Remember Me

I watched this tonight: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1403981/fullcredits#cast

And I gotta say it was sure refreshing to see Robert Pattinson play a brooding loner for a change.  That being said…

I really enjoyed this film.  Pierce Brosnan was so good.  His character, the father figure, probably hit a little close to home; but drew tears substantial enough to make it to the middle of my cheek.  Even without the ending, it was a very worthwhile film.  The ending however - will shake you.  I’d really like to delve into this; but it would definitely spoil the film. 

Embrace life, embrace love, don’t let fear hold you back.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you should watch this movie.

Though your butt does look good in those jeans

People ask for criticism, but they only want praise.

  - W. Somerset Maugham

 

 

 

Remember to spread my quote:

“Fruit from the same tree isn’t always as sweet”

Bachelorette - Istanbull shish

I was certain it was either going to be Roberto or Justin that was the infidelitous (coining that word) one.  I loved the drama, but Justin turned out be such a pussy when he was confronted.  I wish he had stood up, looked her in the eyes and said, “of course I’m here for myself.  This is REALITY TELEVISION, we are literally one step removed from ‘For the Love of Ray J’.  You’re submitting your entire life to intense judgment from millions of scrutinizing viewers – AGAIN!  You can’t tell me this is all about love for you, ever consider speed dating?  What are the chances you’ll actually marry the winner of this contest… 1 in 10?  You’d get better odds ordering your man from Uzbekistan.”  And finish with, “Rated R out.”

The dates:

Ty: I don’t believe Ali has strong romantic feelings for Ty; though he got a really tough draw following the Justin confront.  They were 85% skin in a centuries old steam room that was ornate and romantic -and there really didn’t seem to be much chemistry.  Then he really tripped up when explaining why his marriage didn’t work.  You don’t explain to a girl who recently walked away from ‘The Bachelor’ for a career opportunity; that your ex-wife doomed your marriage by wanting to have a job.  Though his biggest mistake was asking Ali: “What is it about me that you like?”  No, no, no.  Reeks of insecurity.  Ali then answered with this simple phrase that really sums up the whole show, “I’m really just looking for a feeling.”

Frank: They have really good chemistry, but he is annoyingly moody.  I think it’s his to lose.

Craig R: Poor Craig is so clueless.  He’s funny and likeable, but out of touch with his situation.  Getting the one-on-one date was the worst thing that could’ve happened to him.  He had lasted this long because he was the entertainer and he kept things fun and light.  Ali never saw him as a legitimate dating option; which is why he was never selected for a solo date.  By forcing his hand into a one-on-one, he forced her to recognize there was really nothing there.  Funny is good, but sometimes it needs to have a little edge (back and forth), or you get relegated as the entertainer.  He said to the camera, “there is never an awkward moment of silence.” What he left out was, “because I never stopped talking.”  I knew he was going home.

Love Joel McHale (even though he’s a Husky) – wish Ray J would get trapped in a Foreman Grill.

My Power Ratings:

1.  Frank
2. Roberto – she digs her some Roberto
3. Chris – got a quick rose without really being involved this week
4. Kirk – I can’t really get a read on how she feels about him
5. Ty

By the way, I was right last week.

The Bachelorette - From the Newer of York to the Land the Bjork

Spoiler Alert: watch this week’s episode before you read this.

Before I get started, I have to rant: The host of this show is superfluous and annoying.  I would pay good money to see an octagon death-match between Chris Harrison and Jeff Probst – and I would cheer for Jeff Probst.

I’m really glad that tattoo boy was the first to go home tonight.   He perpetually made me cringe; so I can only imagine the uncomfortable effect he had on Ali.  By the way, what a painfully long flight home that must’ve been for ‘Kreepy’ Kasey and Chris ‘I’m a dial tone’ N.  I wonder if they sat next to each other.

I watched the unveiling of the wrist tattoo sequence like 7 times, and it actually went over better than I thought it would.  I believe this is because Ali is a sweet and polite girl; and ABC may have trimmed her response so as not to tip her cap too much.  How in the fiery hell could he have thought that permanent expression of bad judgment was going to help his cause?  If my wife surprised me on our 35th wedding anniversary with my name tattooed on her butt, I’d be like “that had better be Henna.  Otherwise you just narrowed your future prospects to Derrick, Roderick and that guy who sings “Never Gonna Give You Up”.”

My Power Ratings:

1. Frank
2. Roberto
3. Kirk
4. Chris L
5. Ty
6. Justin
7. Craig R

David Blaine: What Is Magic?

Watched his new (it’s actually about two months old) program on the Travel Channel tonight, and he is amazing again.  The holding your breath, or not eating stunts have never been that interesting to me; but his tricks in public are super cool.  I truly believe that his greatest trick will someday be admitting that he has actually been David Schwimmer all along.

Bobby ‘frickin’ Flay

Bobby Flay, who is ridiculously awesome, just scored 59 out of a possible 60 points on Iron Chef America.  Other than losing one incredibly subjective point for plating – he was perfect!  Holy Shmoly

 

“Yes, my immersion blender is bigger than yours”

The Bachelorette – Lion King edition

Just getting around to watching this week’s episode – I use my DVR more than I use my microwave (a lot more).

This show fascinates me because it’s like a real-time experiment in attraction and – well repulsion. These guys are all handsome successful dudes, yet many of them have no idea what they’re doing.  It’s not their fault; the ones that are seriously faltering are trying to live out every conceivable Hollywood love story stereotype.  

The biggest take-away from today’s (Monday’s) episode is: writing, or even just singing a romantic song for someone you barely know is not not not suave (I believe this holds true for writing or reciting poetry as well).  At best she will think you are a little cheesy, and at worst – creepy.  This you want to avoid; because once a girl decides you are creepy there is almost nothing you can do to recover (trust me I’ve done the research). I think this compulsion to serenade, stems from the haunting immortality of Lloyd Dobler hoisting a boom box over his head and blaring Peter Gabriel in a last ditch, ‘remember this?’ moment. Which, by the way, didn’t even work in the movie. Fast forward 16 years to find Ashton Kutcher playing his electric guitar and trying to sing Bon Jovi in what amounted to an awkwardly touching scene – and you can understand why guys would think this was generally a good idea.

This is why guys have it so tough – the romantic ideal is not really… ideal. 

 

 

 

Because RDV cares

Don’t bother with “Did You Hear About the Morgans?”, seriously – seriously.  I honestly can’t think of anyone that will enjoy this movie –well maybe fans of the first Twilight film (you know who you are and you should be ashamed of yourselves).  That is all.

Now watching

 

If you got rid of the show Unwrapped and anything about cakes; I could spend a week’s vacation watching the Food Network.

At least I think I’m funny

I filled out the RSVP card for the culmination event of my boss’s daughter’s betrothal today.  Like I said – I think I’m funny.

 

I thought about putting some arbitrary number like 12, but was worried it might confuse them.

Will effing Smith

I watched “The Pursuit of Happyness” last night.

Three quick thoughts:

1. How the hell did Will Smith become such a good actor? This is the same guy that was plastic and awkward in the first “Bad Boys”? The freaking “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” – really? I realize this isn’t a starling revelation; he’s been taken very seriously since he played Ali in 2001, and was actually pretty good in 1998’s “Enemy of the State”. Is it just natural progression? Why didn’t it happen to Keanu Reeves, or the cast of Friends (with the exception of Matthew Perry - sorta)?

2. What a great movie. The fact that I knew the story and how it would end did not prevent me from weeping openly.

3.I’m always weary of “based on a true story,” but even if half the events in this movie are true; Chris Gardner overcame more setbacks than Russell Crowe’s character in Gladiator. Next time you’re feeling sorry for yourself – watch this movie!

'yo homes smell ya later'

The Bachelorette – it’s like a protracted Elimidate

I admit that I kind of enjoy watching the Bachelorette (not so much the Bachelor). And contestant Jonathan, the “Weatherman,” is not into girls. He is gayer than Lance Bass and Richard Hatch’s bastard love child. I take absolutely no issue with his true orientation; but his being on the show is an absolute ruse.

Update: he was SUPER excited to be on a Broadway stage.