For those of you not attending on Saturday

Below is the speech (at least the first draft) I will be giving on Saturday for Scott and Bea’s nuptials.  It is about one third the length of the one I gave for my brother’s wedding – but I’ll be the only speaking. 

If you’re going to be there, please don’t read this.

Ladies and Gentlemen... It's an honor for me to be here... to celebrate this very special day for Scott and Bea. Dale Carnegie once said: "Don't ask a man what is important to him. (just) Watch how he spends his time." Now we’ve all seen how Scott spends his time, and it should be blatantly obvious what’s important to him. Bea you have made Scott a very happy man.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Rick and I met Scott the summer before his freshman year in college. We became instant friends, fraternity brothers, and well known for wearing REALLY tight shirts to the parties.

Many times during the tenure of our friendship, it has been mistakenly assumed that Scott was either my brother… or my man lover. Though not true; I always assumed that Scott was immensely flattered by either scenario.

Scott has been known to jump into relationships somewhat head-first, but this time, with Bea – it was more like a full-body belly flop.

When Scott sheepishly told me how much he liked her after their first date; I had an inkling that something was a little different with this one.

When their first 5 dates took place over the first 6 days of their courtship; I had a pretty good idea that something was a little different with this one.

When Scott told me he was looking into learning Hungarian; I was pretty sure that something was a little different with this one. Before Bea came into the picture, the only foreign language Scott ever considered learning was C++

BUT, when I saw a Golden Retriever in the back of Scott’s beloved jeep; I absolutely knew that something was different.

To paraphrase a quote from one of my favorite movies:

There will always be ups and downs - you're not perfect, and neither is she. All that really matters is whether or not you're perfect for each other.

And that’s why we’re here today. Scott and Bea, I am so delighted that you have both found you’re perfect other. May we raise our glasses and give cheers to the happy couple.

Egészségedre

 

Words of wisdom from the great 21st Century philosopher – Snooki

"Guys are douchebags and I hate them all. They don't know how to deal with women, and I feel that's why the lesbian rate is going up in this country."

I like this one

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.
  - Vic Gold

 

 

- aka, stop whining

Over/Under - bicycle edition

Overrated: Single speed bicycles (and they’re everywhere now)

One of the most liberating feelings in the world is hitting a flat or slightly downward sloped straight, shifting into your highest gear and gliding across the smoothly paved black.

Overrated: recumbent bicycles

If your chode hurts get some padded shorts - you look like a friggin tool.

Can we agree that these just need to go away forever?

Underrated: Hybrid bicycles

My bike: Cannondale Bad Boy

Because I almost exclusively ride through or around the city, I find this style of bike incredibly practical. Yes, occasionally some spandexed-out diehard on an all carbon Bianchi flies by me like I stopped to get ice cream; but for the most part I can keep up with the road bikers. On the plus: the sturdy frame and slightly wider tires make jumping curbs and crossing rail tracks much more manageable, and the upright position is so much better for navigating around cars, pedestrians, and homeless people.

My Beach Day – Golden Gardens

 

That’s my foot.

Side note: reading a Tolstoy book will apparently encourage multiple people to come up and talk to you.  Unfortunately I’ve read a total of 60 pages of anything that Tolstoy has ever written; and was unable to hold an even remotely intelligent conversation regarding said subject.  In high school I took the English class for non-college goers - with all the other stupids – so I was never forced to read War and Peace.

My new segment

Now that the Bachelorette has crescendoed, I’ve decided to begin a new segment - which I will almost certainly grow bored of and abandon.  But for the time being, I’m calling it… The Bachelor.  Just kidding, 

I’m calling it. Overrated / Underrated.  So I will start my new segment with comparative films, but may try to incorporate other aspects of life where I feel that I am smarter than the masses.

Overrated: Forest Gump
This movie was ridiculous.  It was like watching a three hour music video of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  This movie was successful for the same reason we enjoy reading those ‘Children of the 80’s’ emails that circulate from time-to-time.  “Oh yeah, I did watch Hanna Barbara cartoons every Saturday, oh yeah, I did collect Garbage Pail Kids trading cards…”  This movie milked Baby Boomers for two generations of nostalgia under the guise of perseverance, which no one dared question because the vessel was a high-functioning retard.  Unlike “Slumdog Millionaire” which used happenstance to make a near perfect film; the events in Forest Gump were contrived and unbelievable.  Let’s break it down:  He was smart enough to join the military (at least an IQ of 76, though the doctor in the beginning estimates his IQ at 75), he’s smart enough to take care of his fortune and captain a shrimp boat, but he’s not intelligent enough to know which direction to run on a football field?  Is this not offensive?  I never saw “Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver”, but I gather the dog knew which way to run with the ball.  And how in the hell was he 30% faster than any other player on a National Championship football team?  Because he liked to run – really?

 

 

 

Underrated: When Harry Met Sally
Another film of happenstance which covers several decades, but this one was not forced or contrived.  The actors were incredibly likeable, and the writing was excellent.  The story was funny, charming, and romantic with a big touch of realness.  A chic flick – not really.  The underlying theme was “men and women can not be friends” (just friends), and the movie does its best to support that claim throughout.